Before I start this column, I’ve gotta emphasize that if you work around babies or chainsaws, you shouldn’t come to work too high. Chainsaws remove limbs, as can certain varieties of Kenyan adoptees. It’s best not to risk losing a finger or a child just because you couldn’t wait until 4:20 to dab up.
With that being said, I am completely opposed to the practice of workplace drug testing. The reason I emphasize the social understanding of said "testing," is due to the Orwellian doublespeak implied behind a system that punishes drug users for smoking/snorting/dabbing/jabbing their drug of choice, after returning home from a shift (i.e. while not at work). In my too-literal-for-prose mind, I think the term "workplace drug test" should elude to some sort of evaluation to determine whether or not your co-workers can tell that you’re high. Had it not been for the smell of the OG Kush that I was addicted to for the better part of 2002, I would have probably kept that job at the youth hospital and never ended up writing for this glorious publication. However, those goddamned kids loved Mr. McMillin, as I was the only counselor with enough patience (and, often times, genuine interest) to sit through A Bug’s Life for the fifteenth time.
If you’re going to do drugs at work, you’ve gotta do them in a fashion that makes you a better employee. Depending on your drug of choice, here’s the best way to get away with consuming substances on company time, with a particular focus on the two drugs I have successfully consumed more of while on the clock than I have in my spare time:
As stated above, good weed smells like a bucket of wet skunk. If I was more in tune with my inner social justice warrior, I’d accuse everyone who gets high on pills or powders of benefitting from some variety of privilege, whereas I could claim discrimination and oppression because my cancer-curing drug of choice is harder to conceal. However, I smoke weed and it helps me to be less of a cunt, so a blame-the-other strategy won’t work here. Instead, I have discovered a couple of pointers that help make it easier for potheads to maintain employment.
For one, do not fuck with brownies or oil pens (e-cigarettes with THC) unless you are familiar with their doses (and even then, edibles vary widely by batch). Instead, invest in a smoke-disguising novelty item (they sell them at head shops, look for whistle-shaped plastic tubes with names like "Good Neighbor" or "Hi, Officer") and a bottle of Ozium (truck stops sell this shit if you can’t find a head shop). The guys who work in morgues use Ozium to mask the smell of corpses, and instead of just mixing the air with lavender-scented garnish (like air fresheners do), Ozium actually removes smoke (if any Ozium reps are reading this, hook a brother up and send me some bottles). Blaze up in your car, exhale the smoke through the smoke-masking novelty tube, and spray a bit of Ozium with the windows down.
It also helps to show up high on the first day of work (and even during the interview) so that you aren’t seen as randomly stoned by your lesser-in-tune employers and co-workers, but rather, "always like that." Bonus points if you can use a musk-scented cologne to mask the constant smell of weed on your re-used items of work clothing.
Being on acid can make you a better employee, end of story. If you don’t believe me, visit one of those movie rental places that still have softcore porn sections and entire shelves dedicated to different horror movie directors. There will be, on average, three employees on the floor. Two will be working the counter, and one will be stocking the shelves... ask the guy stocking the shelves to share his thoughts on underrated cult classics. If his eyes double in size and he walks you to the Troma shelf before saying a single word, he does acid (or shrooms). This is why he’s not allowed to interact with the customers at the counter, but trust me, the owner keeps him around for a reason.
The same applies to record stores, antique shops, book stores and comic book outlets. The trick to doing hallucinogenic drugs at work is to stay busy, isolated and well within view of the exit, but close enough to those customers who aren’t yet finalizing their purchase.
One important tip, always be prepared to defer any logistical or real-world questions to someone else. For instance:"Do you know if I can use my credit card to pay off late fees?"
"No, I’m sorry, this isn’t my store, but Jeff at the counter knows."
"No problem, we are all one collective being created in the eyes of our alien masters. Have a good day."
In short, make sure you’re not the last person a customer sees, or the first person a visiting corporate employeer interacts with.
Since I basically don’t consume anything that isn’t organic (or created in a bathtub to emulate something that is organic), here’s my take on doing other drugs at work:
Only if you work at a record store that no one shops at anymore.
Only if you work at a drive-through restaurant.
Only if you work at a bar.
Only if you work naked.
Only if work isn't work.
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